I went on vacation and never came back mentally. A coastal adventure that renewed and brought clarity in waves.
You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you, don’t you? Turns out, it is, but there’s no room for vanity today. Flattery will also get me nowhere, so I’ll be frank. Unless you want to be Frank, for humor’s sake, that way I can be myself during this conversation. I’m going to blindfold, gag and bind you, and not in a great sort of way. I want you to listen and be still for once, and keep your judgment in a box until I finish this all in one swift breath. Ready? Set? And, go.
I practiced my speeches leaving the sand and shores to return home. I must say, I’m pretty incredible at giving lectures while in the driver’s seat, hands at ten and two and eyes focused straight ahead on the road I’m traveling. As always, I light up a cigarette before I start one of my infamous speeches. I didn't want to have to go through this again with you because I’m so much better at this in the mirror…and action.
Center stage, follow-spot to the podium I walk to. The lights are dim, but I can see the outline of your shadow; my only audience member. A soundtrack playing thunder claps rolls in gently, increasing in volume as I take a drag from my Marlboro. A black backdrop falls heavy to the floor and I cue, by raising my eyes upward, a flash of lightening that flickers across stage left. I stare out into the vast emptiness, and scream out one single, tragic concept. Above the cacophony you hear my cry of ‘RELATIONSHIP!’. Your heart drops, the muscles in your hands stretch painfully as you grip your seat. You are frozen in time, unable in your fear to even attempt an escape. I raise one solitary finger and point at you. The curtain drops as I flick my still-lit cigarette in your direction and walk away.
It’s what you pictured, right? If not this scene, then something similar to it and I’d put all my betting money on that pony. Destruction of your life and freedom, loss of sanity and complete and utter doom, all caused by the utterance of twelve letters put together to form one single word. Already, you are crawling inside your skin, panicking, and gasping for air. This is what you’ve been afraid of all along, and I can say that with confidence as you have openly confessed your profound phobia of commitment.
Here’s the real kicker: as frightened as you say you are, I am equally freaked out, for lack of better wording. You showed up yet again, with your incredible swagger and dark hair and kicked down the door to my heart. You told me I was rare, and I delightfully soaked it up without a second thought.
I don’t want to change your life. I don’t want to mold you into a better person, or use you as my entertainment. I don’t have the time to domineer you, because as much as I care about you and being with you, I will always retain my own life, interests and friends. I value silence often, and peace frequently, and sometimes I need solitude for days at a time. Video games? Great! Play them for hours until your eyes fall out of your head. I will gratefully soak in a tub with wine and a nerdy Stephen King novel—in my own living space. I don’t care that you had eggs for breakfast, unless you are making them for me, over medium, on top of blueberry pancakes. As much as I want to know you, I don’t want to encroach on your territory and change your personality.
I want to enrich your life, and in return, have you be an asset to mine.
Read the prior blogs, I’ll have them put into animation with bright colors so you will better understand and grasp finally my attempts to connect with you on a deeper level. I’ve been harboring too many secrets, and I am dragging because of it. I deserve the best, and I am ready to develop a relationship (SCREAM!) with the right person. Sadly enough, if this is not you, I will ask you to agree to disagree and cut the ties that hold us together. Flesh on flesh, I will break bones and tear skin and walk away bleeding in order to prove my unbreakable strength. I cannot stay connected to you, and if you are going to injure my heart further, I will finish building the bridge between us, just to burn it down.
I adore you naturally and in an easy way. My care and concern does not ebb and flow like the tide, it is a constant presence and ever growing in amount. I don’t want to cling to you like a barnacle on a whale, I want to float next to you lazily in the sun, two souls, happy as clams. I’m full of sea analogies, which is a testament to my astounding sense of humor. I considered giving you this all, describing me as a starfish and you as a wild stalk of seaweed, but I declined as all in all, my goal was to finally reach you, and very intentionally so.
Once again, I am about to set sail. My greatest fear is that you will not be on board…
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