This was not intended to be a post that worked in conjunction with another intended post, but as does everything in my life, it all comes full circle, meshed together haphazardly.
I am a bit dizzy this morning, my brain is muddled and I am having an intense struggle between heart, head and feet that do not want to stay on the ground. I provide you with this disclosure, saying, this is more a confessional today than an intelligent statement.
I want to first share this, mostly because my memory fails to remind me of things I should remember when it comes to obvious signs from the universe: "Emotions are running pretty deeply and you are wanting desperately to share this affectionate intensity that you are feeling. You are seeking to reconnect and rather deeply with someone during this period, but you will find you will get a lot further if you ease off a bit. This is one of those situations where you infamous mystique will win you much more than your infamous intensity..."
Point a finger at me, yes, I read my horoscope, and damned if it isn't so dead on sometimes I almost choke on my morning toast. Maybe I am talented in the sense that I can find subtleties in all things that somehow guide and direct me. I fully believe, however, that today the universe has picked me out of the crowd.
Entry One, and we'll label this as nothing more than a midnight rant hopped up on cough syrup with coedine. It has a strangely poetic quality, with a dash of madness and a hint of desperation. And it went a little something like this...
"The next time one of you comes running back, I want a damn good reason as to why and why now. I am not a flame and you are not the moth sucked in--I am not a glistening object of desire. Do not feed me your loaded lines and sugary apologies, or read from your dog-eared book of excuses; simply own the consequences of your actions. You come slithering back, stealthy having waited for night's shadow, and roll belly up by my heels. I wanted never to be a second thought, but the first thing your heart took in when sun touched eyelids each morning. You discover me now as a rare jewel, but all the while I was treasure buried underneath your palm. You are not clever, but oppressing, take your hands off my heart and cast eyes wayward and away once again.
I say go...and go far. Do not let hands roam, nor lips brush mine, or I will surely stay again and remain a flightless creature with wasted wings..."
Part one, over. I wish I could explain the amount of torment I put myself through to convince myself I was over and above past infatuations. I'm not a hero, just learning rapidly, and realize now I cannot stop a fire with a thimbleful of water.
I am not over you, she said, smoothly transitioning into her part two. She also began to speak directly to her captor, in quiet whispers and tiny confessions that never went away, just lingered in the air. You are always a daydream I kept, but not an afterthought. You have been trailing along behind me this whole time because I could not let go of your shirttail. When secrets came out, that were not so much secrets as they were admittedly understood but never aired, I swallowed my backlash for once. You used the word perfect, and I had a flash of striking your face in my mind, and screaming irrationally for you to bite off, and then swallow your poison tongue. Goddamn your eyes, goddamn them for harboring more misery and honesty than an entire world could handle.
I tried to be honest in saying don't leave, please don't leave again. We never made a contract in the past, and shook hands to no expectations in the future. I wanted to spit out how renewed I felt just being in your presence, and that this all overcoming feeling is ten times as potent than past times. I wanted to say that you are the only one I have ever regarded as quality, and all the empty spaces in my heart were suddenly filled with light. I would give up every audition and interview process that I've been running through to have a chance with. Just. You.
I don't love you yet, but I sure as hell do like you. I kiss you and already I know this will either be the greatest risk I've taken in a long time, or the hardest fall that will crack and break me in two. I kiss you one last time in case you don't call, and know I will miss you inevitably when you go.
I have already rehashed how you make me feel in previous posts. It's not an obsession, should you ever gain access to this. I do best when I can write my every thought; it eases pressure on the gears in my mind.
I want to get to the point, someday, where I can hold your hand. I hope you let me. I will try not to push you away. I think you are dynamic.
It's sunny today, and I am healing.
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