I know, you're like, sooooo over the pregnancy posts on this blog, aren't you? I'm gonna encourage you to suck it up because time is running out for me to discuss the miraculous parts (and not so miraculous) of pregnancy. Besides, you know that if I'm writing this much about being with child, when the actual baby inside of me manifests in physical form outside of my womb, I'm probably going to write about him, too. Tons. And inevitably he will be loads funnier than I am, from day one. I am that crazy lady who takes a million different pictures of her belly and gasps at every twinge, movement and new development, so get over it. It's an outlet, a moment during the day to just reflect and stay calm and not worry about re-cleaning the bathtub should the baby come too fast and I have to give birth in it. It's connecting with other moms who feel all of this, just can't get the words out. It's amazing and weird and totally disgusting, but it's a once in a lifetime experience with the best kind of end result. Once (in a lifetime). I didn't stutter. Ya'll women with 2 or 3 children are insane and wonderful and strong beyond what I can even imagine. Anyone with 3+ children is, and bless your hearts, completely bat shit. But I admire you, all in your tin foil hat, rocking back and forth steadily while a hoard of children runs in circles and smears food randomly about your house, probably causing irreparable damage to each other in the process (who needs sanity, anyway). Christ have mercy on your soul.
So. Here's the latest--I peed my pants. I don't know how else to say it because it is what it is and really, I'm only mildly ashamed now that I've come to terms with it. Normally I wouldn't shout from the hills that I should apparently be wearing some sort of geriatric undergarment but at the time, I was pretty sure my water had broke. And. I. Was. Ecstatic. In total disbelief. Quite frankly, I stared at that wet spot on my bed for a good 5 minutes like it was the Ark of the Covenant before tripping over my own feet to run and grab my phone so I could text my sister-in-law. So we talk. She's excited, too. Now am I sure it's my water that broke, or did I piddle? Did I piddle, psssh, I tell her I am almost 30 years old, I'm pretty sure I would know if I pissed my own pants. We laughed and she instructed me to lie on my side and see if anything else leaked out or gushed or came out like the Rains Down in Africa...and nothing happened. Nothing at all. Biggest let down ever. I was so sure it was the time that I was in labor, but mostly I was sure my water broke because never in my adult life have I wet myself. Again, I mean, wouldn't you think you would know? No is the answer.
Oh Dear GOD, I peed myself and didn't even REALIZE IT. I was so caught up in eating the delicious, calorie-laden Taco Bell taco that I had been craving for weeks but denying myself that I PEED MY PANTS AND DIDN'T EVEN FEEL A THING. Well, I'm never going in public again, or riding in anyone's car for that matter, because I'm not sure I can explain if I accidentally mark my territory on the passenger seat of my friend's new Scion.
Oh, and this just in--cankles. Every woman's ideal spring fashion accessory.
Regardless of the fact that I'm openly a pants-pee-er now and my legs are roughly the size of Tom Brady's ego (what?), I'm still happy and quite excited for the arrival of our little one. Any day now. We'll try to fit in a few more posts before the big day.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Are We Out of Potatoes?
Writing to me is therapy. As I've mentioned in the past few blogs I've written, I wish I had been continuously blogging throughout this entire pregnancy. I know a lot of the more seasoned bloggers and true writers out there try their best not to change their blogging style, even if they are currently experience life changing events such as I. I just want to roll with it.
Up until now, my life has been a whirlwind, to say the least. It's been glorious and I find that I am consistently surprised by every corner I turn. I can't think of any greater adventure or challenge than bringing a child into the world. The pregnancy in itself has been mind blowing so I can't imagine what adventures I will have as I step clumsily into motherhood. I can't think of any better way to cope with some of the lessons I will learn other than with humor. Here's to laughs and poopy diapers, sleepless nights and unconditional love.
Until Crawdad comes barreling into this world, I've compiled a list of things I've learned from being pregnant.
1. Your regular pants won't fit eventually. You'll know when by instinct. You'll still try on those pants even though I'm telling you right now not to. Then you'll cry. Then you'll remember that I told you not to put on those pre-maternity pants and hear me going "I told you so" and get mad at me. I warned you ahead of time so I highly suggest you calm down and go buy something stretchy.
2. Speaking of pants. At 35, almost 36 weeks, putting on pants is a chore. I found myself keeled over in my bathroom having a hot flash as I tried to step into and then actually pull up my pants. My only thought was "Son of a bitch, I don't care if I leave the house in underwear at this point".
3. You cry. I'm not saying every woman has raging out of control hormones, but I have yet to speak to any woman who has had a baby and not hear about one good, solid cry over something miniscule. I have cried over the following: Pants (obviously), YouTube Kitten Videos, The Lonely Looking Man Eating His Sandwich in Jimmy John's, Spilled Milk (Yeah), Burning Various Food Items, etc. The list goes on.
(I cried once for no reason and when Josh asked what was wrong, I told him that I was scared of the baby coming out of my vagina because it was the only thing that I could think of logically at the time. Without missing a beat (as usual), he replied with "Oh, honey, did you not realize that's how it happens?". Bless this man)
4.You cannot change what is happening to your body. No matter how many times you scream at your hair to maintain control, your nipples to stop peeking through every shirt, your rear end to stop ballooning; it doesn't work. I guarantee that it's not as bad as you think, and no matter what, it's better to just embrace it. Besides, people love the shit out of pregnant ladies, and no matter what, will tell you you're glowing and beautiful. Trust me, I roll out of the house in 4 day old pants with no eyebrows on and people still tell me I resemble Heidi Klum. Just go with it and focus on the fact that your body is working on making a miracle.
5. There is no better feeling than peeing when you are pregnant. It is a cosmic experience and a great relief beyond words. There is also no WORSE feeling than having to pee and being forced to wait when you're pregnant. I read Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy and I remember her telling a story about peeing beside her car because she simply couldn't hold it. I never realized how dead on she was about this until one night Josh was occupying our bathroom and the undeniable urge hit. You won't understand this until you seriously consider karate kicking down your own bathroom door down on your loved one. I've come damn close to peeing in a kitchen sink as well. This is no joke.
6. Keep your phone charged and take it everywhere. You never know when you'll get stuck in the bathtub and need to call for help. If calling for help does not get the point across, try texting a picture of the similar situation you are in. You'll find that many phones now provide graphic and detailed emoticons that portray a thousand different situations.
7. Nesting is probably the weirdest thing I've ever experienced in my life; and for me it's not just cleaning and arranging, it's stocking up as well. When I was single and much younger, I remember living in a house where coffee, cheese, crackers and cheap liquor were our main staples. If toilet paper ran out, we would use Taco Bell napkins until someone got up the energy to bring home a .67 cent 4-pack from Albertson's. I find myself now counting rolls of toilet paper every time I use up one. Should we at any point get below 10 rolls, it is completely necessary for me to go to the store to buy another 18 pack. From the looks of it, you would think we were planning on dressing the baby in outfits entirely made out of Charmin. The same goes with nearly every other household item, as well as a sick addiction to potatoes. God forbid when the baby arrives that we run out and no one can make a baked potato.
There are so many other things that I am learning. There is a great fear of the unknown that comes along with it all and I believe that every first time mother experiences this. I can't wait to be that mom who is smiling in pictures like she just won the lottery. There's no reflection on her face that even hints towards the fact that she just endured countless hours of pain in amounts that seem physically impossible or that she pooped on the table in front of God and everyone or just had the world's most uncensored peep show--she just holding her baby and that's all that matters.
We love you all. From the very tight fit in our favorite chair, I hope to get to blog a few more times before baby and of course after.
Up until now, my life has been a whirlwind, to say the least. It's been glorious and I find that I am consistently surprised by every corner I turn. I can't think of any greater adventure or challenge than bringing a child into the world. The pregnancy in itself has been mind blowing so I can't imagine what adventures I will have as I step clumsily into motherhood. I can't think of any better way to cope with some of the lessons I will learn other than with humor. Here's to laughs and poopy diapers, sleepless nights and unconditional love.
Until Crawdad comes barreling into this world, I've compiled a list of things I've learned from being pregnant.
1. Your regular pants won't fit eventually. You'll know when by instinct. You'll still try on those pants even though I'm telling you right now not to. Then you'll cry. Then you'll remember that I told you not to put on those pre-maternity pants and hear me going "I told you so" and get mad at me. I warned you ahead of time so I highly suggest you calm down and go buy something stretchy.
2. Speaking of pants. At 35, almost 36 weeks, putting on pants is a chore. I found myself keeled over in my bathroom having a hot flash as I tried to step into and then actually pull up my pants. My only thought was "Son of a bitch, I don't care if I leave the house in underwear at this point".
3. You cry. I'm not saying every woman has raging out of control hormones, but I have yet to speak to any woman who has had a baby and not hear about one good, solid cry over something miniscule. I have cried over the following: Pants (obviously), YouTube Kitten Videos, The Lonely Looking Man Eating His Sandwich in Jimmy John's, Spilled Milk (Yeah), Burning Various Food Items, etc. The list goes on.
(I cried once for no reason and when Josh asked what was wrong, I told him that I was scared of the baby coming out of my vagina because it was the only thing that I could think of logically at the time. Without missing a beat (as usual), he replied with "Oh, honey, did you not realize that's how it happens?". Bless this man)
4.You cannot change what is happening to your body. No matter how many times you scream at your hair to maintain control, your nipples to stop peeking through every shirt, your rear end to stop ballooning; it doesn't work. I guarantee that it's not as bad as you think, and no matter what, it's better to just embrace it. Besides, people love the shit out of pregnant ladies, and no matter what, will tell you you're glowing and beautiful. Trust me, I roll out of the house in 4 day old pants with no eyebrows on and people still tell me I resemble Heidi Klum. Just go with it and focus on the fact that your body is working on making a miracle.
5. There is no better feeling than peeing when you are pregnant. It is a cosmic experience and a great relief beyond words. There is also no WORSE feeling than having to pee and being forced to wait when you're pregnant. I read Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy and I remember her telling a story about peeing beside her car because she simply couldn't hold it. I never realized how dead on she was about this until one night Josh was occupying our bathroom and the undeniable urge hit. You won't understand this until you seriously consider karate kicking down your own bathroom door down on your loved one. I've come damn close to peeing in a kitchen sink as well. This is no joke.
6. Keep your phone charged and take it everywhere. You never know when you'll get stuck in the bathtub and need to call for help. If calling for help does not get the point across, try texting a picture of the similar situation you are in. You'll find that many phones now provide graphic and detailed emoticons that portray a thousand different situations.
7. Nesting is probably the weirdest thing I've ever experienced in my life; and for me it's not just cleaning and arranging, it's stocking up as well. When I was single and much younger, I remember living in a house where coffee, cheese, crackers and cheap liquor were our main staples. If toilet paper ran out, we would use Taco Bell napkins until someone got up the energy to bring home a .67 cent 4-pack from Albertson's. I find myself now counting rolls of toilet paper every time I use up one. Should we at any point get below 10 rolls, it is completely necessary for me to go to the store to buy another 18 pack. From the looks of it, you would think we were planning on dressing the baby in outfits entirely made out of Charmin. The same goes with nearly every other household item, as well as a sick addiction to potatoes. God forbid when the baby arrives that we run out and no one can make a baked potato.
There are so many other things that I am learning. There is a great fear of the unknown that comes along with it all and I believe that every first time mother experiences this. I can't wait to be that mom who is smiling in pictures like she just won the lottery. There's no reflection on her face that even hints towards the fact that she just endured countless hours of pain in amounts that seem physically impossible or that she pooped on the table in front of God and everyone or just had the world's most uncensored peep show--she just holding her baby and that's all that matters.
We love you all. From the very tight fit in our favorite chair, I hope to get to blog a few more times before baby and of course after.
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