Valentine Schmalentine. Raise your hand if starting January 14th you realized it was only one month away from Valentine’s Day and immediately went into a fit of crying panic.
That’s what I thought.
You can roll your eyes all you want and scoff and boast that you don’t care about “Singles Awareness Day”, but if you are indeed single, I would wager a bet that you’ve gone into a store where they sell giant stuffed bears holding giant stuffed hearts and willed them to burst into flames.
I truthfully hate chocolate for the most part and the only roses I want are ones that are being permanantely inked on parts of my body. But it doesn’t mean I’m heartless. I, too, have looked upon the arrival of the dreaded V-Day with anxiety and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m changing that this year. Let’s look at a few fun facts first before we discuss anything further.
The average American spends $200.00 on this day. Over 50 million roses are given out. Approximately 1 BILLION cards are handed out and my favorite, 15% of us gals send ourselves flowers on this day.
53% of women say they would dump their significant other if they neglected to buy them a present. Men spend way more money than women on this day, jewelry purchases go through the roof and thousands of people join dating sites for the first time out of pure desperation.
To add to this all, the suicide rate increases by 64% and babies concieved on this day out of wedlock skyrocket to a whopping 78%. Just kidding. I made these two up, but I bet they didn’t seem so far-fetched considering.
Only 1 in 4 people in the United States even CELEBRATE this day. What am I missing here? How can we even afford such luxuries in a time of financial crisis? And what’s the big damn deal anyway?
The Catholic Church recognizes three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, so there’s no real solid evidence on where this day came from, at least in my expert opinion. All of the aforementioned Valentines were known to be martyrs, which to me just comes across as attention seeking and a little emo (cue My Chemical Romance). One patron Saint was known “supposedly” for helping Christians escape from harsh Roman prisons, and was then killed for his valiant efforts. Not incredibly romantic but heroic all the same. I love you, let’s celebrate over a little bloodshed.
The other guy, whatever, Valentinus, I don’t know too much about, but you are welcome to Google him. Frankly, I got bored reading about what he did and didn’t do and how it related to boxed candies and flowers and paper hearts. I’ve never been very good at history anyway, so I’d probably get the facts wrong. Long story short, he was probably stabbed violently; I know, it makes me swoon too.
The most infamous of all three notorious Valentines is the man who is most highly accredited with helping fuel our modern day Valentine’s Day celebrations. Something, something, he fell in love with a young girl and was then imprisoned, and in what I would imagine to be incredible boredom and lack of physical contact with any type of woman, wrote her a love letter and signed it “Your Valentine”. The fable doesn’t indicate whether this young girl even reciprocated the feelings that our hero Valentine felt. He, in fact, might have been the earliest known creeper for all we know. Personally, I’m not impressed. And he died anyway. How does any of this conjure up images of rose petals and long passionate kisses?
Don’t get me wrong, as I always say, I love love. I would roll around in a field of love flowers if I knew where they grew. I am a firm believer that there is always hope for the heartbroken and I definitely believe in one true love. I’m certain I am not the first person to question why we need a special day to show everyone in our life that we care about and love them and need them in our lives.
Hell, I LOVE presents, but a generic card and half-dead roses would never touch the depths of my heart the way a simple everyday gesture does. Valentine’s Day makes me feel like the one I love is OBLIGATED to get me something meaningful or I might freak out and update my Facebook status to “SOOO OVER IT! IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY AND HE DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER. FML.” And then unfriend him.
I’m not even about to get mushy here, so don’t get it twisted, partners. I’ve never been swept off my feet by candlelit dinners, serenades, hand-painted portraits of myself or weird haikus about the splendor of my hair. I love daily. Wholeheartedly. I am in love currently. I LOVE all my friends and my family and my co-workers and my favorite checker at the grocery store and the mailman and the kid that runs down my street with scissors. I have so much love to give that I could never afford to buy enough things to prove this to everyone, nor fit it all into one day.
I think that clarifies things. Dear St.Valentine, so you wrote a note, I wrote an essay. I win.
