This was not intended to be a post that worked in conjunction with another intended post, but as does everything in my life, it all comes full circle, meshed together haphazardly.
I am a bit dizzy this morning, my brain is muddled and I am having an intense struggle between heart, head and feet that do not want to stay on the ground. I provide you with this disclosure, saying, this is more a confessional today than an intelligent statement.
I want to first share this, mostly because my memory fails to remind me of things I should remember when it comes to obvious signs from the universe: "Emotions are running pretty deeply and you are wanting desperately to share this affectionate intensity that you are feeling. You are seeking to reconnect and rather deeply with someone during this period, but you will find you will get a lot further if you ease off a bit. This is one of those situations where you infamous mystique will win you much more than your infamous intensity..."
Point a finger at me, yes, I read my horoscope, and damned if it isn't so dead on sometimes I almost choke on my morning toast. Maybe I am talented in the sense that I can find subtleties in all things that somehow guide and direct me. I fully believe, however, that today the universe has picked me out of the crowd.
Entry One, and we'll label this as nothing more than a midnight rant hopped up on cough syrup with coedine. It has a strangely poetic quality, with a dash of madness and a hint of desperation. And it went a little something like this...
"The next time one of you comes running back, I want a damn good reason as to why and why now. I am not a flame and you are not the moth sucked in--I am not a glistening object of desire. Do not feed me your loaded lines and sugary apologies, or read from your dog-eared book of excuses; simply own the consequences of your actions. You come slithering back, stealthy having waited for night's shadow, and roll belly up by my heels. I wanted never to be a second thought, but the first thing your heart took in when sun touched eyelids each morning. You discover me now as a rare jewel, but all the while I was treasure buried underneath your palm. You are not clever, but oppressing, take your hands off my heart and cast eyes wayward and away once again.
I say go...and go far. Do not let hands roam, nor lips brush mine, or I will surely stay again and remain a flightless creature with wasted wings..."
Part one, over. I wish I could explain the amount of torment I put myself through to convince myself I was over and above past infatuations. I'm not a hero, just learning rapidly, and realize now I cannot stop a fire with a thimbleful of water.
I am not over you, she said, smoothly transitioning into her part two. She also began to speak directly to her captor, in quiet whispers and tiny confessions that never went away, just lingered in the air. You are always a daydream I kept, but not an afterthought. You have been trailing along behind me this whole time because I could not let go of your shirttail. When secrets came out, that were not so much secrets as they were admittedly understood but never aired, I swallowed my backlash for once. You used the word perfect, and I had a flash of striking your face in my mind, and screaming irrationally for you to bite off, and then swallow your poison tongue. Goddamn your eyes, goddamn them for harboring more misery and honesty than an entire world could handle.
I tried to be honest in saying don't leave, please don't leave again. We never made a contract in the past, and shook hands to no expectations in the future. I wanted to spit out how renewed I felt just being in your presence, and that this all overcoming feeling is ten times as potent than past times. I wanted to say that you are the only one I have ever regarded as quality, and all the empty spaces in my heart were suddenly filled with light. I would give up every audition and interview process that I've been running through to have a chance with. Just. You.
I don't love you yet, but I sure as hell do like you. I kiss you and already I know this will either be the greatest risk I've taken in a long time, or the hardest fall that will crack and break me in two. I kiss you one last time in case you don't call, and know I will miss you inevitably when you go.
I have already rehashed how you make me feel in previous posts. It's not an obsession, should you ever gain access to this. I do best when I can write my every thought; it eases pressure on the gears in my mind.
I want to get to the point, someday, where I can hold your hand. I hope you let me. I will try not to push you away. I think you are dynamic.
It's sunny today, and I am healing.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Circus is in Town...
Sometimes you have to cry.
Sometimes you cannot stop said crying. Sometimes you get in your car for the sole purpose of driving and crying, while listening to the same sad song over and over. Sometimes, while that sad song is playing, you snot all over yourself and in the midst of your breakdown, you drop your cigarette on the floor of your car while cursing and trying to wipe your nose. Take aforementioned nose-wiping incident, the fact that people keep looking at you weird (they’re all judging you) and add in the extreme emotional rollercoaster you are currently on. Swerve slightly to the left and realize without a doubt that you are now at the peak of being completely and totally irrational. At this point, sometimes you pull over and scream. Sometimes people slow down to watch your personal circus. And you scream more.
Sometimes, you just have to cry.
I am the keeper of secrets for most people I know, and I guard the hearts of those I adore like a lock box with a lost key. I am entrusted with thoughts and dreams and sometimes guilty admissions. Honored only by the consideration of others, I am valued enough to hold such precious cargo. Strangely enough, when it comes to my own person and mental solidarity, the boundaries that are necessary to maintain one’s self-worth have slow diminished. I am a giant sinking ship full band aid-patched holes, and I somehow expect to keep floating.
Wise words come only in the rarest of form for me to understand them. Believe it or not, I have the tendency to be incredible stubborn and mildly hardheaded. I hear but I do not always listen when it comes to advice being given to me. I am capable of fully understanding what I should do to keep myself afloat, but I have the innate ability to be a stubborn ass.
My little brother reminded me of how very human we all are and there are none left standing alone. He told me that regardless of our pasts, we all have the capability to change and grow. Our miscalculations and the lessons that come from them are the shapers of our future and the cornerstones to our foundation in this life. It’s a horrifying thought to think we are forced to rebuild ourselves consistently, but the amazing thing about blunders is that once they happen, they are over. I’m no saint, and I can testify to the great rippling affects that mistakes have on a person and their circumstances, but I am learning (slowly, albeit) that eventually the water settles. Any residual injuries may sting and scar, but as any action hero will tell you, scars serve as a tangible reminder of how far you’ve come...and they look really cool.
Little brother said, surprisingly infinite in his wisdom, that if we were all to sit down and make a list of our regrets, we probably wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other, let alone get out of bed each and every day. If every time we screwed up we had to document it publicly in the newspaper, would we be more cautious of our choices? Maybe, but who’s to say that the weight of temptation and the simple fact that we are just human would overshadow any humiliation we may endure temporarily. The point is this: a lot of time is wasted, considering how long we dwell on these mishaps, instead of understanding that everyone, no matter what age, will never know it all. Cold. Hard. Truthful.
You think that by now, someone would have figured out scientifically how to prevent foot-in-mouth incidents, or drunken escapades. Some doctor out in the yet undiscovered universe is calculating a way for there to be less heartbreak by creating a more discerning race of people. Until then, I will choke and stutter when I stumble over my own words and wrong doings, and stand up proudly in the center ring. I am the conductor in this grand circus, and I say bring on the rings of fire.
Sometimes you cannot stop said crying. Sometimes you get in your car for the sole purpose of driving and crying, while listening to the same sad song over and over. Sometimes, while that sad song is playing, you snot all over yourself and in the midst of your breakdown, you drop your cigarette on the floor of your car while cursing and trying to wipe your nose. Take aforementioned nose-wiping incident, the fact that people keep looking at you weird (they’re all judging you) and add in the extreme emotional rollercoaster you are currently on. Swerve slightly to the left and realize without a doubt that you are now at the peak of being completely and totally irrational. At this point, sometimes you pull over and scream. Sometimes people slow down to watch your personal circus. And you scream more.
Sometimes, you just have to cry.
I am the keeper of secrets for most people I know, and I guard the hearts of those I adore like a lock box with a lost key. I am entrusted with thoughts and dreams and sometimes guilty admissions. Honored only by the consideration of others, I am valued enough to hold such precious cargo. Strangely enough, when it comes to my own person and mental solidarity, the boundaries that are necessary to maintain one’s self-worth have slow diminished. I am a giant sinking ship full band aid-patched holes, and I somehow expect to keep floating.
Wise words come only in the rarest of form for me to understand them. Believe it or not, I have the tendency to be incredible stubborn and mildly hardheaded. I hear but I do not always listen when it comes to advice being given to me. I am capable of fully understanding what I should do to keep myself afloat, but I have the innate ability to be a stubborn ass.
My little brother reminded me of how very human we all are and there are none left standing alone. He told me that regardless of our pasts, we all have the capability to change and grow. Our miscalculations and the lessons that come from them are the shapers of our future and the cornerstones to our foundation in this life. It’s a horrifying thought to think we are forced to rebuild ourselves consistently, but the amazing thing about blunders is that once they happen, they are over. I’m no saint, and I can testify to the great rippling affects that mistakes have on a person and their circumstances, but I am learning (slowly, albeit) that eventually the water settles. Any residual injuries may sting and scar, but as any action hero will tell you, scars serve as a tangible reminder of how far you’ve come...and they look really cool.
Little brother said, surprisingly infinite in his wisdom, that if we were all to sit down and make a list of our regrets, we probably wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other, let alone get out of bed each and every day. If every time we screwed up we had to document it publicly in the newspaper, would we be more cautious of our choices? Maybe, but who’s to say that the weight of temptation and the simple fact that we are just human would overshadow any humiliation we may endure temporarily. The point is this: a lot of time is wasted, considering how long we dwell on these mishaps, instead of understanding that everyone, no matter what age, will never know it all. Cold. Hard. Truthful.
You think that by now, someone would have figured out scientifically how to prevent foot-in-mouth incidents, or drunken escapades. Some doctor out in the yet undiscovered universe is calculating a way for there to be less heartbreak by creating a more discerning race of people. Until then, I will choke and stutter when I stumble over my own words and wrong doings, and stand up proudly in the center ring. I am the conductor in this grand circus, and I say bring on the rings of fire.
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