I simply have to spit it out. In some form. Mind you there will be rambling involved, but please let me get through this the only way I know how. Now, listen up...
I don't think that I'm stupid. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and a normal grasp on how humans interact. I've been evaluating this mess, and I'm fairly confident when I say I don't think I'm far off the mark on how I feel. Call it intuition, call it overanalyzation, either way, hear me out.
Yeah, firstly, fine, I'll admit--up until recently, I've been pretty jaded when it comes to relationships, if not completely bitter and blinded by my past experiences with men. But I've changed a lot in the past year, hell, year and a half, and I've come to some solid conclusions. The past 6 months have sprouted intense changes in my self as a whole person again.
I know you get this. You're coming out of a semi-crazy relationship as well, and even if it wasn't a marriage like mine, you have deep hesitation…you've expressed this to me, and I mean, I get it. I see it in your eyes sometimes. I also see how you look at me, and a wanting of some sort. I know this, because I look at you the same way, even when you're not looking. Excuse the poet in me, but putting it other words, "I seen you, looking at me, looking at you…and damn baby, you fine!" is not as eloquent.
I don't know what kind of relationship I'm looking for, if any. But I think I'd be ready if the right person came along. I am ready to at least attempt to care about someone again, even though the thought is terrifying. I want to like you, and I want you to let me like you. I want you to like me back, does this all make sense? Demands, demands, now I'm being a typical woman. But hold on...
I guess maybe I read you wrong. I know that initially we agreed that we were friends with benefits. And at the time, I was totally fine with that. I had been seeing several guys when we started hanging out in "that way" so I was really unsure of what I was doing--all I knew was I was being crazy and having fun. I never have experienced freedom like that. It's been a blast, I'll admit. I feel joyful and wanted and amazingly beautiful for once since I've been separated from Eric. We have hung out a little more, and you know, I dig you. We were friends first, for years now and I suppose you might say I always had a little "crush" on you, but I'm not that girl. I'll never lay down who I am as a person for a man. I don't need you to want me. I want you to.
I don't obsess, I won't cry, I won't beg or ask you why you don't like me if you simply don't. But I know you do. In fact, you're the first guy in a long time that I know has interest in me. I think you're quality. Sure, you're inevitably screwed up in some ways even more so than I am, but I get where you're coming from. I feel you, holmes.
You want independence and you're afraid someone will wreck that for you--you don't want to be controlled. Neither do I, not for an instant. Sweet baby Jay-sus, protect the man who tries to run my life; it will only end in broken limbs. Never again.
You make me laugh, always and without fail. You think that I'm hilarious, and I love when you call because sometimes, I swear it's just to hear my latest story. I don't get nervous around you, and I have no shyness or inhibitions.
There are the little things too: we like the same cars, the same music, we like the same movies. You like to be outdoors; you are the first guy I've dated who shares these things with me. I'm not saying we're a perfect match. I'm just saying I like your company. I want more of it. Life is short, I only invest in good company. I wouldn't say all this if I wasn't afraid of losing you in my world altogether, if even as just a friend.
I have stupid hair, I drink too much, I refuse to share the covers, I'll make a fool of myself in front of anyone, I'm a terrible dancer, I smoke a pack a day and laugh too loudly, I'm terrible at fishing and hiking and I couldn't set up a tent to save my life. My car is always dirty, I swear, I like to fight dirty with strangers, I wear flip flops until it absolutely is snowing like crazy, I like to make a scene…but I'm genuine.
I'm pretty. I'll bring you a beer in the middle of a video game, and hang out with your mom when she's lonely. I'd make you breakfast in bed, and steal your t-shirts to wear around the house so you can admire my legs. I'll make you feel like the man of the house, I'll like your friends and they'll obviously like me. I'll learn to shoot a gun, and I'll always have a hard time resisting you in every way. I'll give you your space, and respect you.
This is just who I am.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm awesome. You'd really be missing out, and I'm starting to feel that stupid girlish desperation that if I don't advertise myself to you, you'll miss out on me. I have a hard time going unnoticed. It's frustrating, and makes me want to rip my hair out, flail about wildly, and stand in front of your house on an overturned milk crate, listing my qualities off one by one.
If even I don't disclose all these little things to you, the blatant things that are in front of you are screaming at you to give me a chance. Take a risk. I shouldn't have to put up a billboard describing why you should like me. I shouldn't have to write a letter. I shouldn't have to convince you. You. Should. Already. Know.
Man up, peabody, shape up or ship out. I'm not going to wait for you realize how fantastic of a girl I am. Someone will, and I don't brag, I just know I'm worth it. And this girl, who's worth it, thinks you're worth it.
Check, check, microphone, this is your wake up call, cowboy. The train leaves soon…so are you in or out?
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