how to say goodbye

I know we always start out this way, but some things never change.



"So I'll cross my heart

And hope to die

Before I have a chance to lie

To you my dear

Oh I wish no harm

I know the end will turn out wrong

See I've been known to fall in love

But sometimes love just is not enough

My heart will stray

Before too long

So please listen when I sing this song

I sing this song"

-Cross My Heart by City and Colour



We are coming to a definite end.



I am so emotionally overwhelmed all the time, it always takes my breath away when I manage to discount some part of my life--especially some incredibly emotional part. Maybe I'll call it self defense, and you'll call it lack of a heart that beats on a normal basis, but either way, I don't think about you unless I have to.



Turns out, today, I was forced to. Think about you, that is.



Not so much forced as hung upside by one leg over a pit of venomous snakes and threatened to face up or be released to fall to my certain demise. But don't get to thinking you have the upper hand. I just hate snakes a whole lot more than I do your face...er, our issue. The problem. A catastrophe. Our marriage.



Where do you start this? Hey, it's been swell...thanks for the memories...you know, we're better off this way, and any other euphemism that may be conjured up. I'm not positive I could say anything, well, positive about the situation. We are better off, at least I know I am. But as far as the memories are concerned I say to hell with the majority of them.



I'll admit that I miss a constant presence in my life. How we never had toilet paper, how I could never cook bacon the right way, movie dates and pushing the couches together to snuggle. I miss the freedom of walking around in my underwear, football Sundays, music nights, trips to the coast and the few moments where we actually allowed ourselves to laugh together. For a brief flash of time, you and I, we were unstoppable, baby. But we hit a wall.



Quite frankly, you built a void that made it impossible to ever cross back over to you. I stood opposite the great divide for years, screaming my lungs out to get your attention. I knew that finally, when I was hanging perilously over the edge to get to you, it was time to give up. I did. I crawled back up from the danger, bruised and a little broken, but discovered the world I had left behind on the other side of the canyon. And boy, was it a long haul. I'm back, with a vengeance.



If nothing else, you taught me that being true to myself is one of the most valuable assets I have in life.



I don't regret anything, because I believe in my heart of hearts that no matter what path we had eventually decided to take, it would have inevitably ended up at the same point: a dead end.



I wish you the best, through gritted teeth, partially because I know it's the proper thing to do and partially because I've given up on hating you. I'm not a victim, and I played a part in the demise, but I can move on knowing that the final decision was mine and mine alone, and be extraordinarily grateful that I had the will and strength to say: enough.



I'll wonder still, once the papers are finally signed and there is no longer any need for contact. I'll wonder what you're doing, and maybe sometimes question your livelihood. But I won't miss you. I haven't for a very long time.



I miss the cat. Feed him everyday, and tell him you love him.



This is the start of goodbye. It's only right we do it this way, without words, or gestures.



I send this off into the great unknown void, with a small wave and a tiny smile.