Redefine

Nothing stays the same, except death and taxes. Something like that. And don’t throw stones at glass houses. Right? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (but don’t give out cash loans).

I’ve been examining ideas lately. I’ve come to no conclusions that I haven’t answered by using logic alone. Logic, I find, leaves out the heart. I need a solid walk and ideals to focus on. Logically, the head controls the body, including the heart which is scientifically nothing more than a muscle that pumps blood into veins (I’m obviously a doctor). The heart beats, the heart slows and quickens, but the heart does not think on its own.

What is the battle between head and heart, if nothing more than an excuse to be wishy-washy and claim not to know right from wrong? To make irrational decisions.

What is steadfast?

Steadfast is constant, balanced and unwavering. Steadfast is a solid ground to walk upon; it is jumping off a cliff and knowing without fail that you will sprout wings before you hit the bottom. Steadfast is the set of arms that hold you close. Steadfast does not judge.

I am not so steadfast internally. I am a cat in room full of hanging feathers and flashing lights. I am scattered and prone to frequent bouts of mind-changing. I am unsettled and happy to be so infrequent. I’d rather be a mystery than an open book.

I’m not perfect, hell, even angels fraternize with the devil on occasion. They’re not always looking to make a soul trade, but it's fun to stand on the razor’s edge of good and evil to see if you will get cut.

We are all teetering on a wire.

To me, in this moment, my steadfast is simple and reliable; my ideals include a Sunday drive with the windows down despite the weather. To stand on tiptoe and kiss away trouble. Coffee on a porch, a cardigan, a hot shower and music playing. Constant is Friday night and ash that builds up around conversation. Steady are the whiskey traces on our lips.

I lack clarity and maybe it is a false hope that one day I promise myself I will always know the right decisions to make. To be able to be that solid and unwavering. To be reliable.

For now, I will anchor myself to what I know, and sit, and wait, and breathe.